On the 9th November 2022 - I lost my best friend, my mum. She was just 64. It was totally unexpected and a huge shock to everyone. She had sepsis. I don't think we will ever come to terms with the fact that we lost her so suddenly, and that life can be so cruel.
She was taken into hospital at 8pm on the Monday evening and at 3am on the Wednesday morning I had that call to come and say my goodbyes because she wasn't going to make it through the night. I had sat with her on the Tuesday and I had no idea that she wouldn't be coming home.
Waking my children and driving to the hospital with them felt like it took an eternity. My body overcome with anxiety and sickness - trying to be a mother and a daughter at the same time was the most difficult moment of my life. Watching my babies, one by one, say their goodbyes to their nanny, who was their 2nd mum was soul destroying. My heart was shattered into a million pieces.
I never actually said "goodbye" - my mum was a white witch you see - she passed her beliefs in the afterlife down to me, her love for crystals, healing and the ability to see and feel things that aren't here any more. She held my hand. I begged her to fight a little harder now that she had heard our voices.
It was 6.30am - my babies were exhausted and I had to make the decision to take them home and leave my mum with her husband. I gave her one last kiss and told her I would see her again soon. My tear meeting her cheek.
On the drive home we had never seen a moon so big, so bright and so full. Mum loved a full moon. It was her calling, it made her feel at peace. It was in that moment that I knew she was going with the angels.
9.45am my beautiful mum took her last breath. 9.45am my heart changed forever.
16th December - 5 weeks and 2 days after mum passed, we had to face reality and have her cremation. The last few weeks have been filled with so many emotions that it's hard to comprehend how you actually feel. How the little things can trigger you. The phone will ring and it will say "mum calling", something will happen and I want to tell her. You go to make a cuppa and you get "her" cup out. The kids ask if "nanny & Bampie" are coming over on the weekend.
Arranging her funeral. Remembering her and everything about her that so many people loved. The happy times that you'll never get any more of. The lack of photos because she hated being in them is probably the hardest part for me. Of course I have 37 years of her imprinted in my mind but my children are 14, 11 and 8 and I never want them to forget what she looked like and it breaks my heart that we don't have many photos of her during their lives. Memories will live on forever in their minds and hearts but physically seeing someone just feels totally different.
I decided I wanted to write a poem, and some words for her. I'm not one for poetry by any means but something in me told me it's what she wanted. I also decided to read it myself at her funeral - It didn't feel right someone else reading my last words to my mum. How I found the strength to stand up and do that I do not know but I'm proud of myself for doing it:
When the night Is still, and the moon is bright
We shall look for you and your guiding light
Your arms no longer wrap around us
Your laughter and your smile has gone
When the rain falls down, and the sun still shines
When the days go on and on
You’ll always be remembered
You are, our only one
Send us little signs from heaven
A butterfly or a feather
Wipe the tear drops from our cheek, pick us up when we are weak
Be our strength to get us through
Make your love known by you
Stay by our side, until our time
Forever and always, for all of time.
Our mum, our nanny x
How do you say goodbye to someone you’re not ready to let go of.
Where do I even begin. Never did I imagine having to write anything like this so
early in your life, and so young in mine. You were taken from us too soon and our hearts would never have been ready no matter when that would have been.
There are no words to even describe what you meant to each of us.
You were the person we all turned to for everything we needed, big or small.
You listened to us for hours on end without judgement, and always knew what to say
to make things seem better. You could light up a room and make everyone
in it feel comfortable – you were home.
You were my best friend, not just my mum.
My heart is shattered into a million pieces and no amount of time will ever fix that.
I literally don’t know how to be strong without your guidance, without you pushing me forward, and without your voice at the end of the phone, or your hug at the end of the week.
My babies have lost their nanny. Their 2nd mum.
I cannot believe you won’t see them grow up. A life without you just doesn’t feel like a life filled with as many happy memories.
You will never get to meet your great grandchildren and they'll never be able to see how much love you gave everyone around you
I promise to keep Kev in line, to tell him off when he’s winding the kids up or telling silly jokes and look after him like you did.
I promise to look out for the signs you send to show us that you’re watching over us.
I promise to put that smile back on my face, but I cannot promise that I won’t cry every night when I can’t phone you and tell you about my day.
Every time we see that full moon, we will think of you mum.
I’ll love you forever and always.
“When you need me, but do not want me, then I will stay.
If you want me, but no longer need me then I must go.”
I am so proud of my children, today was the hardest day they have ever experienced and one I hope they don't have to go through for many years. Our lives will never be the same again. Hold your loved ones closer. Make amends with anyone you've fallen out with. Don't hold grudges. Life is precious. Time is short.
Adele - All I ask was played as we entered
Israel kamakawiwo- Somewhere over the rainbow was played mid service
Ed Sheeran - Supermarket flowers was played during her photo slideshow
David Bowie - Starman was played as we left
Right at this moment in time, I've lost my spark. I'm sure it won't be long and mum will make damn sure it comes back brighter than ever before, after all I'm her daughter and I'm just as strong as she is. Mourning is hard. There's no time limit. Trying to be strong for other people whilst breaking inside is also something I should be good at but only when I have my mum's arms wrapping around me.
We all have to face new challenges in life - and this right now, is mine. x
A canvas of mums most precious people x